Be polite: call someone a stupid idiot

Recently, I stumbled across an old page on the BBC World Service website that made me laugh. It was within the 'Learning English' section, focusing on "expressing possibility: perhaps/maybe, may/might".

To give the reader "further practice of may and might, maybe and perhaps", the page included the following joke:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his companion up and says: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson says: "I see millions of stars and maybe quite a few planets among them. It may be true that a few of the planets are quite like Earth and there might be life on them." Holmes replies: "Watson, you bloody fool*! Somebody has stolen our tent!"

But it was the footnote to 'bloody fool' that caused me amusement:

*Bloody is a medium-strong swear word, used to give emotional emphasis to something that you are saying. It should not be used in polite situations. For polite conversation, substitute: You stupid idiot!

I'm not sure that 'you stupid idiot!' is very appropriate in polite situations...

Hablo español!

Keen to learn a little Spanish before my holiday in several weeks, I recently bought an 'Instant Spanish' book and CD set.

"Study for thirty-five minutes a day for six weeks and you'll speak Spanish," it promises. Doesn't seem very instant to me - not compared to, say, instant mashed potato.

"Stir your flakes for thirty-five minutes a day for six weeks and you'll have mashed potato..."

I'm also amused by some of the strange sentences that language learning sets teach you as a beginner. Along with the Spanish for 'my name is James', 'good evening', and 'how are you?' I've learnt 'I have a large house and it costs a lot of money. And I have a Mercedes'. This is likely to get me mugged if nothing else.

I can also say (in Spanish) 'I worked for the Bank of Spain for three years' - which is neither useful nor true. And it might make people wonder why my Spanish isn't better - although perhaps it could explain the Mercedes...

Tengo un Mercedes...